To be honest, i think im to depressed to even write anything, but i wrote something in my other diarys for the night, so i figured i would force my self to write in here as well.
By the way, i realize i haven't talked about my uncle tom lately, he was moved from ICU, and he's doing a little better, but he's got an infection through out his body, which is very serious, something about spinal menagitis (i know i spelled that wrong) they dont know for sure yet, but they are looking into it..So we are still in the dark about alot of things, but it's good that things are looking slightly up.
I talked to John today, finally. If you can call what we did talking, he asked me if i was pissed, i told him no, not that pissed, than blah blah blah, i told him that it's okay that im not important enough, and than i just left becuase i had to eat something, and than when i got back online a few hours later, i sent him a message asking him if he honestly ever wanted to meet me, and he never answerd it, and than asked "YOU SAY IF YOUR NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH???WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?" and i just wrote back, just a feeling I have, and than he never said anything to me again so... this is the last message i sent him why did you even have me keep you on my list? that's what i meant by not being important enough...half the time the only reason why i was getting online was to see if you were on to talk to you...and you didn't answer my last question so i'll take that as a no..i'll take you off my list then, and i wont bother you anymore... i didn't however take him off my list, yet! It depends on what he says to this message, if he doesn't say anything, than i'll take him off cause i clearly have my answer.
I've been crying alot today, I know im having a low day, but there are other reasons that are making me cry, i started to cry even more after I "talked" to John, and i use the term Talk lightly. I dont know what's up with me, how in the world did I allow my self to feel so much for him, I promised my self i wouldn't, and I dont know how i could feel what i feel, when WE'VE never even meet. I know alot of people find love online, and I think that is great, but im not like most people, i dont trust very easy, I dont love very easy, So many times i've though i've been in love, and i realize that I still have not ever loved anyone, I think Josh is the closet thing to love i've ever have had. I just cannot feel the way i feel for someone i've never seen in person. There is no way, but I can't explain why him making me feel non-important and pretty much ignoring me, is hurting as much as it does. I've never felt the kind of connection before that I automaticly had with John, his nickame is Dickhead, and i loved that because he's so much like me. He is truly the perfect guy for me, but I wasn't allowing my self to feel anything more than friends for him, until we spent time together in person, but yet im crying right now, and im hurting right now, and I can't understand why. I believed everything he said to me, that he hoped we had long life together, that couldn't wait to meet me, that i was number 1 in his books, and all that shit...now i dont know what to beleive...I guess, we'll just have to see what his answer is to my last message, if he doesn't respond...than he's done nothing but lie and fuck with me, like everyone else...I deep down hope that he responds...
I dont have anything else to say, Im going to go cry some more, and than fall asleep. I just got off the phone with Jayce and cried to him for an hour, and he helped some but he didn't help that much cause he was faily upset becuase the girl he just got out of an 8 year relationship with, just called and told him she is getting married, and they only broke up 2 months ago, so we were both crying to eachother.. What big help we both are eh?
Goddess Bless Everyone
12:47 a.m. - 11.27.2002
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